It's still unfathomable to me that what happened happened. It's even more unfathomable that it happened to the least deserving person, and his most undeserving family and friends. There is no explanation. I'm not sure how you make sense of it. I still haven't been able to. I think about him every day. I think about his family and friends every, single, day.
It's hard to even admit that we said goodbye. It just can't be. It felt like yesterday since I'd last seen him, albeit it was nearly 12 months to the day ago. The farewell was solemn. The sky cried its own tears but the ocean was shined upon by the sun because that's where he was.
I have been reminded of the brevity of life. Some days I feel the fire in me, to do all of the things I want to do, to be all of the things I want to be. Other days I feel numb and can't get past the fact that 'nothing really matters'.
Mostly, I just want to be with my loved ones. I want to be with them, wholly present, enjoying the simple pleasures of our modern life. I want to remember every single moment that happened while we ate dinner, caught up over coffee or spent time together. I hug everyone a bit longer and a bit tighter because who is to say when it will be the last time. I am more self-aware than I've ever been, only wanting to give the best, most present, caring loving self to everyone I encounter.
I may not know what I want from my career, but I know what I want from life - to give and receive love. To be present. To show and feel gratitude for every second and minute that I get with those I love. To make the most of every interaction and opportunity. At the end of the day, that is all that truly matters to me.
With everything in focus, the hunt for possessions has never felt so foreign. Why would I want to waste my time doing that? Instead, I am eating, a lot, and taking in everything that surrounds me every time I go walking. I have got back into my yoga rhythm. I'm present enough to know how much joy it truly brings me instead of being something that you "do". I feel like I could do yoga all day and not be sick of it. And I've picked up reading again. It's something that makes me feel productive and productive feels good. These things, the little every day things, are all in my control and I have the choice to be mindful and observe them for how wonderful and joyful they are. I think if we're not showing gratitude for the simple things then we can't truly appreciate and enjoy the wonder of the bigger things.
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My friend Jess and I did a market stall at Glebe Markets to sell some of our no longer needed clothes and bits and pieces. It was a beautiful, long day in the autumn sun. Tash, Nicola and Sam came to visit us. We watched all of the people come and go. After we finished our day of trade, we celebrated by catching up with our former housemates at a Mexican bar in the city. It was a really good day.
For Easter, Levi and I hired a car, rose early, and headed for nature and the ocean - Levi to surf, and me to breathe and read. We also headed into the only antique store that was open over the long weekend so we could finish furnishing our new apartment. I wasn't content to keep the TV collecting dust on the floor so we bought a mid-century Danish coffee table for the TV to sit on, and hide the hideous internet modems and cords underneath it. We also purchased four mid-century chairs which we're using as study chairs and dining chairs for when guests come over. All secondhand and vintage for extra feel-good measure.
I had a lovely girls Easter lunch that turned into a dinner. We drank organic wine and ate fresh hot cross buns from Bourke Street Bakery.
I got nostalgic for a time gone past and made a pizza from the restaurant where I spent nearly six years working as a high school and uni student.
I went and saw an indie play at a theatre in the back streets of Newtown with Katie and Tash.
For ANZAC Day, Levi and I went to the Martin Place Dawn Service for the first time. The service started at 4.30am. The crowd was large, but silent and still. It was so moving to be amongst so many peaceful and respectful people. Levi's parents were also down in Sydney and attended the service. We walked down to Circular Quay afterwards to see the sun rise and had breakfast at a touristy 24 hour restaurant. Later on in the day we walked through the Botanic Gardens and stopped in at the Plants With Bite exhibition at The Calyx. By 3pm, I was a complete zombie and passed out for a two hour nap.
To round out the month, Levi took me to see David O'Doherty at The Enmore for the Sydney Comedy Festival and I went on a $15 million super yacht for a work function.
~ New In - The Secondhand Edition ~
Four mid-century chairs
Mid-century danish coffee table
Both from Lunatiques
*Still haven't bought any new clothing!
~ Read, watched & listened ~
FINALLY FINISHED Principles by Ray Dalio - I have been reading this book on and off for a long time and I finally finished it this month. I need to go back through it and type up notes because there is so much wisdom in this book.
Ray Dalio, The Steve Jobs of Investing - The Tim Ferris Show podcast - I saw that Ray had done a podcast with Tim Ferris a couple of days after finishing the book so naturally I had to check it out and I'm glad I did. There is a lot happening in the book, a lot of dense information, so it was good to hear Ray talk at a high level without getting into too much nitty gritty.
After Life by Ricky Gervais on Netflix - I bawled from beginning to end of every episode. I also burst out laughing in every episode, which after sobbing isn't very pretty. This is the most beautiful television show I have ever watched and my life is better for having watched it. This isn't hyperbole.
Jameela Jamil on Emma Gannon's Ctrl Alt Delete podcast - I kept seeing Jameela Jamil pop up on my Instagram and wanted to know what the fuss was all about and have discovered my new idol. I've so far listened to two podcasts featuring her, have scrolled endlessly through her Instagram account, and her @iweigh account, and am teetering on the edge of a full on YouTube rabbit hole of Jameela Jamil videos. What a women, I could listen to her all day. She is so eloquent and smart and amazing!
~ Eats ~
A home made Mullumbimby Maddness (if you know, you know)
x.
